I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
