I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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