Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
