Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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