Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She tied me up with her honor cords...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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