I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
