I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
