ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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