my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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