You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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