You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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