Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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