i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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