I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
