my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i've created a new STD.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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