Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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