...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
they need to just BURY HIM!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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