i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
