i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
