apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
