and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
