So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
