so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
