Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
