Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
