If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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