I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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