hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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