If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
