this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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