We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
