Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My life is pants optional.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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