Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
