Your dad touched me again.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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