How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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