Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
