I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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