so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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