it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
