The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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