Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
