Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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