I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You need Xanax blowdarts
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize