its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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