i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There's always time for handjobs
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
