From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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