i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
nutella sex= disaster
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
