my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
