Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
