probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Green mimosas i think yes
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
