did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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