Screwed.edu
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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